Something Christmas and a Something New Year

This holiday season was surprisingly miserable for me. Surprising because I'd thought the worst was over. I didn't expect to stay in that valley of grief for long periods of time anymore. I knew I'd have bad days, but bad weeks? A bad month? After almost two years... still? It's discouraging to say the least. Especially at a time of Christmas cheer and family fun. I guess the holidays magnify whatever is going on in your life—good and bad.

My mom asked me what my specific thoughts are when I'm feeling my worst. "That I miss her (obvious), that I can't believe she's really gone, ..." but there was something else—something more sinister. I wrote in my journal, "I didn't realize how guilty I have felt. Like I've ruined Elle's life ... and mine."

Again, I was surprised. I thought I had guilt under control.

Now that I'm aware of the role it's playing in my grief, when I feel that pit in my stomach and the nightmarish dread, I tell myself, "You didn't do anything wrong!" And it actually makes me feel better. I can even feel my body relax a little.

The other night I read Russell M. Nelson's "The Gateway We Call Death." There's a section on suicide where he writes, "Family and countless friends are left to bear feelings of undeserved misery and guilt."  

Undeserved.

My mind caught that word sharply. I have a bad habit of trusting my negative emotions. If I'm angry, I assume I have every right to be! If I feel guilty, I believe I am guilty. It's pure torture feeling like you could have prevented your child's death. But, really, could I have?

Ultimately, I believe that other people's deaths are rarely in our control—and that we are all in God's good hands. More on that later...