Cam's Summer

 Delivery for the Evans

Cy and Cam are doing 1 of 3 timed "Courses" Cam made up for the swingset.

(Cam and Cy in the background doing one of the Courses)

He makes his rounds to all the neighbor dogs (Bentley, Patches, Romeo, Hank, Roxy) and offers to walk them. 

He also had his 10th birthday, which I failed to get any photos of. (Seriously? :/)

Ten Things I Love About Cam!
1. enunciates and uses a professor's vocabulary
2. dreamy obedient (never yells, sometimes pouts)
3. neighbor moms and teachers love him because he's a calming and mature influence on other kids
4. sweet to neighbor girls, which causes major crushes
5. crushes on him don't go to his head
6. tells the truth even when it indicts Getty and he's threatened with torture
7. has a paying job: cares for dogs when neighbors vacation
8. loves to pretend with Ryan and Griffin or by himself
9. loves to draw and invent creatures like the Chairaffe (a chair that's also a giraffe), Jalepaino (a jalapeno in pain?), Reptiblaze (a reptile that's hotter than blazes?)...
10. our only kid who plays chess and piano and takes extracurricular art classes 

Just look how CUTE he is!

All Is Well

Closer to 50 than 40

 The sun is setting on my life, haha

We always get donuts for birthdays, but I thought I'd switch it up for my 46th.

My sisters and mom took me to lunch. Then Rob, Getty, and Cy took me to the temple to do baptisms. So far, so good. 

Rob didn't want me to have to make dinner, so we went out to eat. Perf.

Later on I found a heart attack at our garage

entrance...

And walked in the house and found this on the floor...

and ribbon streamers above...

I couldn't figure out who would do that as Getty sat quietly at the counter.

(Can't wait to read these hearts over and over again as I settle into my golden years ;) 

Getty and Ashdon. Boys can be the sweetest!

Permission to Grieve

One night last month I dreamt I was shot three times in the stomach in a random public killing spree. Someone took me to the hospital, but no one believed I had been shot. I was groaning because of the pain but quieted down to try to endure it with some dignity. Blood started pouring out of me, and I yelled for Rob or anyone to see the evidence of the wounds, but they were far away and busy.

It makes me wonder if the dream is about grief and feeling like I don't have "permission to mourn" anymore. (Maybe because I've been reading a book with that title :)

It's been about 3 1/2 years. I think extended family, friends, neighbors, and strangers think that we should be on our way now. 

Because we are in many ways....

So why do I find myself fighting back tears daily again?

I found this journal of Cam's recently....  

The scene of the accident, drawn by 6-year-old Cam on April 30, 2012 
(3 months post-accident)

"Elle in the hospital"

"At the hospital"

"When Elle woke up"

"Elle drinking the medicine to make her go to sleep"

"Burying Elle in her casket."

In the weeks and months after Elle's accident, I refused to accept that grief of this kind would take a long time. Years. I couldn't face it. But more than that, I couldn't believe I would emotionally survive the immense pain for long. 

In "Permission to Mourn," the author writes: 

"Because the truth is
that at the time of your loved one's death
if you were really able to fully grasp
the magnitude of what happened
and all its implications
you would most likely not be able to survive.
Literally.

"... I believe our bodies would shut down.
Our minds would turn off
Our spirits would take flight.

"Our new reality is simply too much to take in all at once.

"So
we take it in
little-by-little
detail-by-detail.
Over time.
Lots of time."

His explanation was cathartic for me, because in my experience it's true. If I could have felt at that time the enormity of Elle's death and what it would mean for me and our family, my body would have stopped functioning. 

So now I'm grateful for the long, drawn-out process of grieving. It's not fatal in small doses and is accompanied more and more by courage, compassion, and the energy of life. 

(in the car swinging to some country song :)

Just as a side note: I've probably read 20 or 30 books on grief since Elle died, but "Permission to Mourn" by Tom Zuba was the stand-out for me. The author and his wife lost their first child at 18 months. Nine years later, his 43-year-old wife died suddenly of a rare protein C deficiency, leaving Tom to raise their two sons, ages 3 and 7. Six years later, his 13-year-old son died of brain cancer. He knows grief. And he knows how to move ahead with hope.

Rob has not wanted to talk about his grief and was definitely not interested in reading grief books, but I convinced him to read "Permission to Mourn." It's short and to-the-point and written by a man, so I thought he might connect with it. He told me a few days ago, "I haven't read any other grief books to compare it to, but this book is really good." :) :)

A Home's History

Granny, Megan, and I go to the Parade of Homes every year to spend time together and get home decorating ideas. One house on the tour was located inside Pepperwood, a gated community, and required shuttle service. The home Megan and I grew up in was in Pepperwood, so we were excited to get a peek at our old school bus stop, neighborhood pool, and homes that had been so familiar. The shuttle was packed, so we stood in the center unable to see where we were headed. 

We arrived and found ourselves on the very street we used to live on. 

Rather than heading into the Parade home, we rushed up and down the road recognizing our old neighbors' houses ...and thinking it was strange that we couldn't seem to find our own.

Strange.

Finally, we looked at the numbers on the houses. Ours had been #9. We were standing directly in front of the brand new Parade home. 

Number 9.

Did they really level a well-built 6,000 square foot house?

My bedroom; the Western saloon doors into the kitchen; my parents' huge rectangular bedroom that made their king-size bed look like doll furniture; the empty dining room where we used to make up dances to 8-tracks of the Rocky theme, the Osmonds, and Sun, Shade, & Rain; the blue double sinks in the kids' bathroom; the never-used craft room turned bedroom where cousin Jenn stayed for a year; the ghost-town basement kitchenette; the library with its wall of books—my dad's favorite room in the house....

This is the new home that occupies that lot:

 Our old backyard

 View

Megan actually broke into tears.

Anyway...

Might as well include a pic of our home before that one. That's Grandpere on the porch with Jenny.

 And so...

I'm more grateful than ever that I've documented our family home over the years. I hope the kids will look at the pictures and remember what it was like to grow up together in the same house. Their bedrooms, the catwalk the boys jumped off, dunkball in the graffitied stadium, the sandbox and swings, Elle's hideout under the stairs, testimonies in front of the fireplace, horse races down the hallway, haircuts in the kids' bathroom, naps in Mia's hideaway, movies and popcorn in the Zone, Bananagrams on the back deck under the lights, Cookie Friday across the street, shave ice and the pups next door, "bite toes" in the family room, sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags, "Dinners with Fire" in the dining room, fireworks on the top deck, early morning scriptures in our big bed, the daily schedule board in the pantry, country music in the kitchen with Dad, tubbies with Elle in the Master bath, chin-ups in Mom's closet, Parents vs. Kids with the lights off... 

(Actually, that's just all good stuff... I could add the wrestling matches in the kitchen that get out of hand, blanket wars, Getty's creeping around in the dark to scare the daylights out of Cy at bedtime, the main to top floor yelling conversations, the naked boys running through the house, the punched-in wall, you know that stuff....)

Here are the latest changes I've made around the house since both girls moved out in August  

Address numbers on the door

I liked that front door so much, that I latched onto the stair numbers idea on Pinterest for the back stairs.

 I love that it's an inexpensive way to add detail

I did the elevator floor trick and skipped #13 :)

Saw the framed "You & Me" version on Pinterest and personalized it

I love collections like these (most from Utah Valley Parade of Homes):

 I had a lot of candlesticks, so I added a collection to our entry.

And a pencil collection to the library :)

Added a lamp to Elle's quilt corner.

Found this ladder for the pantry for $15 in the classifieds, and Rob put some rubber stoppers on the bottom. No toddlers anymore, so no worries! 

MK's bathroom is now the guest bathroom

Except that Getty uses it and leaves his boxers on the floor, even when there's a hamper right there...

Not sure what to do with Mia's room. She took her bed and dresser to her apartment, and MK said she and Mia will probably live together next summer when the rent is cheap. Is this the end??

Once I realized those stairs (above) hadn't been vacuumed in a year, I decided I'd better find a real slide in the classifieds to replace that heavy table we'd used (irreverently and inappropriately) all that time.

This is just a picture from Parade of Homes of an idea we could do sometime to upgrade our stadium in the cheapest way possible: low-profile carpeting, some white baseboards and trim, concrete sealant on the walls, fluorescent lighting, and a black ceiling...

And lastly, I love the idea of naming your house. The best name for the house we raised most of our littles in is probably Silly Dilly Towne, after a funny video MK, Mia, and Getty made there.  

Our current house already has a significant history in just the 7 years we've lived here. It's been the best of times; it's been the worst of times. And so, I hereby christen this house the Dickens house.