I like to think I'm tough. My kids know better. They know I crack under pressure and wear my emotions on my sleeve. The truth is, my days as Head Honcho are dwindling.
It was awesome when my little ducklings followed closely behind me or rode on my hip. Bedtime was 8 p.m., and I had Rob to myself for the night. Sometimes I didn't leave the house for days in a row by choice. When I did leave, it was to run my own errands on my own schedule. Can you say "Game Over"?
Nowadays, I chase our kids and their carpools and errands all over tarnation. During our Family Night calendar, I get my schedule and orders for the week. Bedtime is anywhere from 8 p.m. (for kids) to 11:30 p.m. (for teens with tons of homework). After that, Cy will have a night terror or I'll find Elle asleep on the carpet outside her bedroom door. The kids have other worlds in their lives that I just get glimpses of. They have their own big plans, too. Plans that require a lot of parental support and involvement (and driving). The big kids question every decision I make in their behalf and test the boundaries just for fun.
It's funny—this "mom" deal is so much easier in some ways because of sheer experience, but in other ways it's suddenly much more complicated. And humbling. Sometimes I escape to play soccer or read a good book, but I'm glad I don't just live for myself. Those kids of ours are my pride and joy. My refiner's fire. My purpose in life.
It's true, I'm not nearly as tough as I need to be. My patience and my confidence wear thin. And my personality has needed an overhaul in major areas just to keep the peace, but just think how seasoned I'll be in a few short years. It's something I look forward to.
I remember saying to Rob before we started our family, "Just think—we haven't even met any of the people that will be by far the most significant people in our lives. We don't even know their names, yet we will love them like no other on earth for the rest of our lives." Now we know them. And now we love them more than life. And now I drive carpools three times a day and watch track meets in the freezing wind and do homework all over again. And I can't think of a better way to spend my life, because it's the way I get to be with my favorite people.
The game has changed and will change again as they spin off into their own worlds. Their problems will continue to increase in size and number and severity. Am I tough enough to watch as they wade through their own afflictions? Nope. Not even close. But I just might be humble enough by then.
3 comments:
Motherhood gets harder every day I think. We are constantly changing with the moods of the kids and hubby. Moms are definitely on the back burner if we are there at all. Would we trade it...no. Are we crazy? Probably. The only thing that saves us is that we aren't alone. Call whenever you need a friend. We all love you!
Oh man, got me in tears here. What a great post. Love what you said to Rob about the not even knowing the most significant people in your life yet as a newlywed. As my mom keeps reminding me--enjoy it because it will be over before you know it...and then you'll want it back. I know you are, but it's a great reminder to me.
PS You look like one tough soccer chick.
Well said, Lorenne. From the day MK was born, you've had insight, an intense desire to increase in capacity and wisdom, and the ability to do just that. How blessed your family is to have you.
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