and Flower, each with a yummy tag to smell while she sucks her thumb.
I have two blankets from Elle's stay in the hospital. One blanket covered her; the other covered me as I held her for the last time.
The best way I can describe grieving at this stage involves blankets. The accident, the events surrounding it, the four days in the hospital, and the reality of living the rest of my life without Elle can only be looked at for short periods of time. During those times it's like a blanket is lifted for several hours or for a day, and I am forced to look at the profound loss, horror, and shock. Then, mercifully a blanket covers it up, and I can live in a better space for awhile. I can get dressed, take care of the kids, read, organize Elle's things, answer texts, sleep. I know what's underneath the blanket, but I don't have to look at it until my mind has had a break.
During the viewing and funeral, I felt like I was cushioned with thick comforters, wrapped from head to toe in the support, faith, and prayers of so many friends and family who dedicated those hours to mourn with us. I never realized how important it is to just "be there" for someone in their time of need. To just show up. Even in our most raw experiences near Elle's hospital bedside, I felt a comfort and a security just sitting silently with Rob and a few loyal friends while we tried to digest devastating news.
Cy and Cam are comforted with those two hospital blankets now. They both have been so brave. And they both have been overcome at times by loneliness for her. I know her death will change who they are, but I trust that the plan for Elle's life was also the plan for our family's life. And I hope to honor that plan.
8 comments:
Lorenne you have so much courage. I love your last sentence, "I hope to honor that plan". It speaks volumes about your faith. I can hear your faith and trust in the Lord in your words. Respecting his plan, following it, teaching it to your children, and honoring it. You are such an inspiration to us all.
Oh Lorenne, what an example you are of enduring faith and commitment to the Lord and His plan. Your unfailing testimony strengthens mine. Those pictures are so sweet, both of Elle and the boys. Your family is amazing and you are thought of every day, even by those you may not realize. :)
What a sweet post. I'm sorry you have to know what this feels like.
Your strength and testimony, through your words, are palpable.
Sweet, sweet baby girl! I love seeing her sniff her tags and suck her thumb with her blankies. I am so sorry you have to live without her, and am so grateful you feel some comfort. I think about you every day, without fail, multiple times. I still cry for your loss and my family prays for yours at every prayer. I know the prayers of thousands are adding to that comforter that surrounds you. As always, I am amazed and inspired by your perspective. God be with you. XO
Lorenne, I love those pictures of Elle with her blankies! They are so sweet. That is one thing I think of when I think of her is how much she loved her blankies and always had to have a tag to rub. What a beautiful post! I think it's so fitting too that you describe how you felt to being covered with thick comforters. I have no doubt that it is our Savior who as his role of comforter wrapped his loving arms around you and helped sustain you during that very difficult time, as he will continue to do when you need him. You and Rob have always been such an example to me of faith and I am in awe of your strength and complete trust in the Lord's plan that you have had through all of this. It breaks my heart to think of the kids too and how hard it must be to not have Elle there. I know though that they are so lucky to have such amazing parents to help them. I hope you know that you have been constantly in our thoughts and prayers. Even Jesse, when he says prayers at night, almost always brings up Elle and says how much we miss her. I think it's cute because he didn't even get to meet her. We would do anything for your family. I wish so much that we lived closer and could be there more. We sure love your family!
Lorenne,
I loved this post about Elle's blankets. It was so beautiful, sweet and heartbreaking! You are such a strong women and have been a great roll model for me. Thank you for posting on such a hard time in your life. Please text me, I'd love to come over and visit or maybe we could meet up for lunch! my cell number is now 801-885-6476. Just so you know, Cody and Luke still pray for Elle and your family! I know their lives will be forever changed for knowing her!
This is so beautiful Lorenne.
We love you. No matter what. Moments like the ones we have shared--bringing our children into the world, and the heartbreaking letting Elle leave....they are all sacred. I am so grateful to be your friend, and for as long as you will let me, I will always, always be there to show up.
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