What If?

I've had the feeling again and again that the cause of the accident should have been me. Would have been me.

I'm so grateful I've never heard anyone condemn the driver in Elle's accident, but I've heard angry, negative comments regarding similar situations, sometimes directed at the parents who may or may not have been involved in their child's accident. I don't understand the mentality of someone who would be angry at the driver in a case like ours. In essence, that person is saying, "Personally, I am not capable of causing an accident. I am beyond human frailty. My five senses and my intuition are fail-proof. I am in complete control of my surroundings. There are no other forces at work in this world other than people's agency."

What if the driver agreed at some point in eternity to spare our family the trial of being involved in the accident? What if he agreed to shoulder this burden, so we could have the strength to carry our loss?

What I know for sure is that our family has a deep love and concern for this man we've hardly gotten to know in this life.

Joseph Smith said, "all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven" (D&C 137:10). I don't believe Elle qualified for the Celestial kingdom because of what the driver did. How could one person determine someone else's eternal reward?

My testimony has been strengthened that our Heavenly Father is in charge and is all-knowing and all-powerful and has created a perfect and ultimately successful plan of happiness for His children on earth. And that His work is not frustrated by a mis-timed turn or a stumble or a few seconds earlier or later.

At least, that's how I see it...

Cam's Project

A few months ago, Cam found the clothes Elle was wearing the day of the accident except for the pants, which were the only article of clothing the hospital staff didn't return to us. He found a similar pair of her pants and laid out the clothes on the floor. Then he laid down beside her, so I took a picture. I could almost hear my heart splitting in half.



After a few minutes, he ran off, returning with this crown for her head.

Cam always did treat her like a princess :)

Elle's 5th Birthday that wasn't

... and Election Day, November 6th. 

Tuesday morning as I sent Cy and Cam off to catch the school bus, I opened the front door to this...

Then I noticed pink balloons up and down the street. Rob and I drove around the neighborhood in awe. Each house had a pink balloon waving in front of it. We drove down the hill and saw more pink balloons lining the street...

There were no words... just happy tears.

Sienna's mom arranged for Elle's BFF's Taya, Sienna, Ainsley, and Capri to have a little cupcake party and sing Happy Birthday to Elle at her gravesite. Just so darling.

Cam asked his 1st grade teacher if he could wear the birthday crown for Elle on her birthday, so we brought some pink duct tape and crowned that rightful princess.

One of our new traditions for celebrating Elle's birthday is filling out leaves for our Thankful Tree.

Among last year's leaves, I found these:

We all opened a special gift...

These rings are Endure To The End rings, but when turned upside-down...

... they look like ELLE rings (close enough :) It's a twofer!

Such a beautiful November day

After football and piano lessons, Rob took us out to dinner at Pizza Pie Cafe, one of Elle's favorites (the other being JCW's).

It was a good bad day, or a bad good day. Bittersweet. Sweet and sour. I'm glad Heavenly Father balances out these days for us through people's love and support and through sweet evidences of Elle's presence in our lives.

Cy calls her "Sis. Wiskom"

Sis. Rosemary M. Wixom, Primary General President, and her husband came to visit our ward's primary on November 4th! When Mia first met them, she leaned over to me and said, "They're so cuuuute!"

Sis. Wixom brought a picture of Elle for Sharing Time and talked about how Elle is living with Heavenly Father and how we all need to follow the path back to Him. She taught us the sign language for, "I will follow the path back to Heavenly Father." She had a powerful, loving, kind spirit. She was an amazing combination of reverence and animation, and the kids were spellbound. She said, "If you ever see me in Salt Lake, you could show me our sign language, and I will say, 'Me, too!'"

Our primary chorister asked me to bring the poster we have of Elle from Getty's football game, so the junior and senior primaries could sing to her for her birthday on Tuesday. The kids sang Elle's favorite primary song, "I Love to See the Temple," while Cam and then Cy signed the birthday hat, and I held the poster of Elle. Cy and I glanced at each other as we heard the primary children sing to Elle and then simultaneously fell apart. Tears streamed down our faces. Cy sobbed. I looked out at the children's faces and was surprised to see tears in many of their eyes. I imagine they were tears for Elle and tears of tenderness for her family, especially for their Cy. There is nothing sweeter or more pure than a child's compassion.

After church, Bro. and Sis. Wixom followed us home to visit for about a half-hour. She told us about her identical twin sister who had lost her oldest daughter and her husband's mother in a car accident on their way to Utah State on November 6th (Elle's birthday), 22 years ago. Sis. Wixom had called her sister and told her she would be visiting with us, and her sister said, "You'll learn a lot from them." So, Sis. Wixom asked each of us what we had learned by the Spirit over these past months. I loved hearing the responses. Getty said he had always felt sensitive to people's needs, but now it's "worse." :) He said now he realizes if someone is acting like a jerk, he might be dealing with some problems in his life. Mia said she doesn't want to judge people. Cy said that he prays more. He said, "Like the other day, I said 7 prayers." Rob said he feels so much more compassion for people. I told her my perspective on life has changed profoundly, that I see it as very temporary. I have faith that Elle's death is the best plan for our lives, and I'm learning to focus on being grateful for what I have instead of focusing on what I've lost.

The Wixom's visit was one of the many compensating blessings Heavenly Father has had in store for us.

Can you believe I forgot to take a picture with her?! :/

Halloween, 2012

Cam and I decided to decorate the chalkboard. He drew all of the kids in their costumes up top on the left (Elle's the ghost :), and then gave me instructions to draw eyeballs in the hot cocoa, a cat on his broom, etc.

Trent and Getty jumped when they saw Cam for the first time, and Cam couldn't stop laughing. Mission accomplished.

Getty walked around on risers all day at school and scared the bejeebies out of as many cute girls as possible.

Mia had a memorable Halloween—full of mischief and intrigue.

Cy and TJ grabbed their pillowcases and hit three different neighborhoods.

Halloween in Hawaii

The sunset looks orange here, but it was a beautiful pink, and it made me think of Elle. I biked to her grave the day before and wondered what her costume would've been this year. I thought, She'd probably want to be "matchers" with her best friend. That night Sienna arrived on my porch in a witch costume, so I mentally dressed Elle up as a witch and did my heart a favor.

I see you, Elle!

Saturday Nights

I thought now that MK was away at college, our weekends would be much quieter.

I guess not...

Getty getting creative in the kitchen...