Christmas Eve, 2012

For Christmas Eve this year, we broke with tradition. No program, no talent show. Instead, we had a rumble.

I had asked MK to put together a DVD of our home videos of Elle to give to Elle's cousins and her best friend for Christmas. When she was done, Rob and I watched it. That's when he stopped talking, and I started crying. Downstairs in the kitchen a rumble was brewing between the kids. I came down and made things worse.

We broke and headed for different corners of the house. Some watched "The Christmas Story," Mia headed for her cave, Cam floated around, and I pounded at some dishes. MK sent a messenger out to ask me if we could open our Christmas jammies. I sent word that we needed to "get happy" first.

We did. (Getty's juss playin')

And Mia likes her space...

Christmas morning was even better...

We keep the Drama Queen

Walking out of the Festival of Trees, having created and sold the "biggest, best tree ever" for Elle and all the time and effort that required and finally being able to get back to their busy lives and kids and their own Christmas prep, Cindy turned to Mark and said, "We need to make another tree for Rob and Lorenne to keep." And, they started shopping for it on their way home that night.

As if they hadn't done enough already.

The tree is a 5' replica of the original 9' tree. I love it!


I put Elle's "Drama Queen" tree in the front window and her "Princess of Everything" tree as a side-kick. Elle was half drama queen and half sweet princess, an irresistible combination for charming your socks off.
I never stood a chance.

Thank you again Evans family— you've outdone yourselves!

Christmas Card, 2012

Merry Christmas!
I don't know how to load our Christmas card pdf, so here's an awkward version:

[Front of card]


[Inside layout] We took our family pictures near Elle's grave this year. Many of you have been so kind to ask how we have been coping without her. Well...

We're hangin' tough
(I love when M&M do their classic "guy pose.")

We surrender

We've got each others' backs

Thanks so much for your love and prayers for us over the past year. Our hope and strength are in the Savior, and we are celebrating His birth with deeper gratitude for His mission and victory over death.

[Back of card] Last year at Christmas, 2011. One very merry day we'll all be together again.

Cam's Traditions

For Christmas, Cam's class is celebrating traditions, so Getty, Cy, and I visited his class with one of our Christmas Eve traditions, a talent show.

Cam played a couple of Christmas songs on his keyboard... (I took photos after the fact; too much going on at the time :)

... and then Getty and Cy performed their Jingle Bell chin-a-long show.

Last Christmas, Elle danced to Justin Bieber's, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," so Getty asked for volunteers, taught them a few of Elle's best dance moves, and we had a dance party.

Trent volunteers at the school, so he helped us serve our traditional Christmas morning breakfast snacker, chocolate muffins and egg nog.

And here's another party Cam is hoping becomes a tradition—Christmas movies in pajamas with his best friends. Merry, merry!

Elle and Christmas

After the Festival of Trees, I decided to decorate a little tree just for Elle.

(Maybe I should have gone for "less is more," haha)

The fabric heart ornaments are made of Elle's clothes and pj's.

I bought a Justin Bieber puzzle for us to put together on Christmas Eve for her crush.

I always take photos when I decorate for holidays, because it takes me forever to arrange stuff otherwise. I don't love to create; I just love to get stuff done. I've already decided to shrink wrap Elle's tree and store it, so I don't have to redo it every year. Wish I could do that with the biggun....

Years ago, I bought these stockings at a Downeast/Pottery Barn clearance sale for $1 each. They all had random white embroidered names on them that I picked apart with a seam ripper at home, all except for the "Isabelle" stocking. Ten years ago I knew we'd have her eventually.

And here I am again... I know we'll have her eventually.

Cam's homemade ornament: one side

and the other...

Good Grief: Month 9

Last month was probably the most painful for me since the time we spent in the hospital with Elle, but the last two weeks I have felt better than I have since the accident.

It's hard to explain. I have prayed for hope. I've prayed for healing. I've prayed to grieve in a healthy way. My stake president said in a regional stake adults' meeting, "It doesn't matter who you are or what you are going through, if you are living the commandments, you are entitled to peace and joy." I took that to heart. I counted on it and expected to feel that in my life. These past two weeks I have felt a true comfort following me around. It's a peace I've never recognized before, almost a sense of joy. A feeling of well being. The feeling has stayed with me—it hasn't been fleeting, or coming and going. The pain has crept back in at times, but I am buffered by hope and a very real sense of comfort.

Those few weeks spent anticipating Elle's birthday were much harder than I had expected. I'm not particularly sentimental, so I thought a date on a calendar wouldn't necessarily make my pain worse. But, I was wrong. Rob could barely talk that day. Her birthday brought home the fact that I had already missed her fourth year of life. Time was passing without her. It brought home what would have been and what should have been. Elle would have turned five. I would have given her her first friend party. I would've been so proud of my beautiful five-year-old girl who wasn't a toddler anymore, who was ready for school. I would've been in awe of how quickly our family was maturing and entering a new and exciting phase of life.

I try to embrace the fact that our family is entering that new and exciting phase, two years earlier. I try to remember I won't miss out on a single day with my four year old, and I will celebrate Elle's 5th birthday with her someday with her friends.

Because her birthday was so tough emotionally, I'm better prepared for the fact that Christmas, and especially the one-year anniversary of her death, may bring fresh pain. Last Christmas and the weeks just after are the most recent memories I have of Elle. Approaching the one-year mark I imagine will feel as though we are reliving those events. But, Thanksgiving was a good day, and I am more and more confident that after this year of trauma, painful adjustments, changing family dynamics, confusion, intense and prolonged suffering, hopelessness, this year of firsts without her, I am confident the pain won't get worse. It won't abruptly end, but gradually by degrees, I believe the wounds will begin to heal.

I can see the progress I've made over this past year for the first time. But most of all, I am so grateful for the testimony I have, through this experience, that Heavenly Father loves us, and He allows Elle and my dad and Elle's great-grandparents and others who I don't recognize to comfort us. I know with greater assurance that Elle still exists, and that we will all be together again. And so, I will wait.

Elle's Tree

[Updated] One day, Rob's brother Mark announced to the family, "We are going to create the biggest, best tree ever at Festival of Trees for Elle."

And so, they went to work...

Cousin Ashley, Uncle Mark, and Aunt Meme

Grandma worked on the pink tutu for the dressmaker, while Aunt Cindy sewed the tree skirt and table skirt.

 Mark and Cindy and Rob's parents funded the majority of the tree, and Rob's sister Ann (Meme) was the chief decorator/designer. Pro!

Cindy wrote me an email with some details I wanted to include in this post, "Angela Keddington donated the barbie case, my sister donated the big pink teddy bear, Jen and Mark McNees donated a Justin Bieber CD and DVD and a barbie, Clay and Debra Hatch donated a barbie, Emily donated the white teddy bear and toy chest, and she had Sienna help pick out the barbie clothes, a neighbor of your sister Brittany donated the Justin Bieber doll, a CD, and the Justin Bieber bag. I just wanted you to know how many people were involved and wanted to help out.... SO many other people contacted Mark and wanted to help donate items or give us money for the tree. Not just those who actually donated things. Lots of people from your ward and your family. We ended up just telling almost all of them that they could help by spreading the word and coming out to bid or just support the festival. You have some amazing friends and neighbors who have done so many things to honor Elle."

Elle's best friend, Sienna, and her mom also came to help out.

WOW.

Vases filled with glittery lipglosses, kisses, and gumballs

Of course Justin Bieber showed for the event ;)

The Masterminds: Rob's sister Ann, brother Mark, and our sister-in-law Cindy

[Preview night.] Rob's family had kept the tree's appearance a secret from us, so we walked toward it in amazement. A nine-foot larger than life tree with personality plus, just like Elle! Such a beautiful, meaningful way to honor and represent her. It's humbling to think of the hours and effort that went into making that tree. That's true love in my book.

Standing in front of it and gradually as we began walking around the festival, Rob and I felt such a sweet presence. So many of the trees represented a child; it was like walking on sacred ground.

Grandma handmade pink fur purses as ornaments for the tree.

JB and two tickets to his "Believe Tour" concert. The Justin Bieber tickets were donated by a complete stranger named Carol, who Mark had contacted and who was touched with Elle's story. Cousin Sara helped decorate the tree and decked out the tickets for the show. Awesome!

The back of the tree. Two women are reading Elle's story on the back of the sign.

Bidders gathered around the tree as the bidding closed.

The bid went to a silent auction with three final bidders.

This cute couple won the tree, paying twice its estimated value. When the winning bid was announced, the wife did a hitch kick—furreal, ha!

The tree is headed for her dance/cheer studio. Too perfect.

When I talked to MK on the phone, she recognized the name of the dance studio and laughed. She said, "I remember Lightbox from dance competitions. They would always mark their dancers with orange construction cones, so we'd joke around saying stuff like, 'Caution...it's Lightbox. Warning...,' haha" (I guess you had to be there.)

Uncle Mark did a great job on the write-up of Elle's story:

Uncle Mark and Aunt Cindy with cousins Ni, Abby, and Soda. Aunt Cindy did a ton of behind-the-scenes work and had to contrive a couch fort in their family room for two weeks to protect it from the kids and their friends, and especially their foster baby. Mark and Cindy had just moved to a new home, were still in the process of unpacking, were working with contractors to finish their basement, and were helping a neighbor clean out her house for a move. Not much going on at their house....

(below: Apparently the older the boys get, the fewer warm clothes they need...)

The boys all told me Elle's tree was their favorite, even beating out the awesome sports trees. Their hearts are just full of Elle's puddin'. That's what little boys are really made of.

So, I'm biased, but I say Mark and our family and friends pulled off the biggest, best tree ever!!

Thank you!!