For the first several months, I was desperate to "fix" the situation. I was determined to figure out a way to keep my old life in tact. For months I wouldn't take down her room because I refused to move on without her in my life. Now I understand profoundly that she is not coming back.
We have had such a good life. I have been so blessed. But now what I see is that I have so much to lose.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't loved Elle the way I did, because it just cuts deeper.
Rob is the best husband for me, but now I understand he will be taken one day, maybe sooner than later. It's possible I could go first, but I bet not.
So far, I have derived so much joy and satisfaction watching the way our kids have grown up; it would be all the more painful to watch them make poor decisions and fall short of their potential as they become teenagers and young adults and face serious temptations. It seems inevitable that at least some of our children will choose to learn the hard way.
I now believe that at some point in their lives, they will each face their personal Gethsemane. And I will have to stand by as a witness.
Within ten short years our kids will all leave home and put me aside as a resource rather than a necessity, which is healthy and good, but right now it feels lonely.
Our home and creature comforts can all be taken away or necessarily left behind or damaged in a natural disaster like so many people in the world have actually experienced. Otherwise, why all the emphasis on emergency preparedness and food storage?
In my former life, I looked forward to the future because I figured it would be similar to my past. I had fairly consistent minor problems and challenges, but overall an incredibly fortunate, blessed life. Now that I know from personal experience that anyone and anything can be taken from me on an ordinary day without warning, I feel like "welcome to reality." Welcome to the second half of your life.
Disclaimer: There's no way around the pain but through it—I'm just doing my job. My "Grief" posts are usually a month or two after the fact (this one is almost two months old), so I'm on to the next round of emotions by now.
P.S. I hope you can read something happy after this post to balance it out. Or how about Pintrest? :)
1 comment:
Every "grief" post shows me you are processing your grief in a normal way. You aren't running or hiding from it. Like everything else in your life, you take it head on and figure it out. You are such an example of courage and faith. I'm honored to call you a friend. Thank you for being brave enough to expose your emotions. Each post helps me personally in some way. I love you!
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