She said, "By"

My grief has shifted recently. Instead of experiencing grief continuously as I did for many months, I have begun to feel it as less frequent, sporadic attacks. A few days ago, I came across this picture Cam had drawn of Elle.

The grief gripped me suddenly and hard. Seeing Elle through Cam's eyes was wrenching. My interpretation of his drawing:

She is waving good-bye. She is leaving him.

She is intentionally walking out of his life with a smile on her face.

Is she happy to go away?

She says, "By." So final.

I was anxious to talk to Cam about his drawing. I don't get many clues to the kids' grief. For one thing, they don't have the vocabulary to express unspeakable emotions (me either). And I don't think they try to make sense of it. They just accept it, but it has left them feeling unsafe and vulnerable. Cam and Cy started praying to be safe last February and haven't stopped (there's a clue). So I pay attention to Cam's drawings. Is he feeling abandoned?

When he came home from school, I asked him about it.

"When did you draw this?"
"Last week."

"What's the purple oblong thing on Elle's chest?"
"A jewel."

"Why is Elle saying 'By'?"
"I drew it to tape by my door to say 'by' to her when I leave my bedroom."

Oh.

Wow, there is such a thing as projection :)

So, I guess I didn't need to reassure Cam by paraphrasing the quotes I looked up from April's General Conference (but I did anyway).

Like the one Elder Scott quoted,

"President Joseph F. Smith [said]: 'I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.'”

Elder Scott went on to say, 
"Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal."

I love that Cam instinctively knew this and is making Elle a part of his daily life in a normal, happy way.

Maybe I was the one who needed the reminder.