Halloween Bark

So, Halloween was over, um, 26 days ago, but I love this stuff. I found the recipe on Pioneer Woman. Here's the link. Her recipes are fail proof, and everything I've made from her blog is a hit over here.

I wrapped some up for the 16-year-olds in my Sunday School class and called it "Autumn Bark" :) I bribe them to make thoughtful comments.

It works :)

Sadie's, 2013

What the heck—this looks like an engagement or newlywed pic! haha



Sadie's Day date: Four-wheeling in Tibble Fork Canyon. "It was so fun. We got so muddy, ha!"

Sadie's Date Night: Cops and Robbers. I think the girls liked calling the shots.

Dinner at Chilis, the dance, and then a horror movie.

Daniel. looks. SCARY. Right? Glad he watches out for our little Mia-bomb.

Will I Ever Be Happy Again?

My sister told me about a mother that recently lost her son and who was desperate to know that she would be happy some day. I thought about what I would tell her of my experience so far....

Like her, my fear was that I would never be happy again. I was anxious to talk to people who had been through it and had come out on the other side. Most often, those people told me I would never get over it and that I would just learn to live with it. Although there are hours and days when I would agree with them because the pain then seems just as wide and deep as it ever was, in between those times I feel pretty normal. I still cry unpredictably every day, but it doesn't ruin my day or change its course. And, there's something more about grief. My grief about Elle's new state on my best days can only be described as sweet and tender and sacred.

I would tell her that grief is a roller coaster of emotions. Numbness and fog and denial in varying degrees for the first several months, at least as I experienced it. And a lot of going through the motions and recognizing your mental function and abilities are compromised.



Then there are awakenings to the irreversible reality that your child is not coming back as long as you live. There are tidal waves of grief that crash down on the deepest parts of your mind and soul. And then those waves recede. Often, I have felt Heavenly Father very near and anxious to bless and comfort me. I've felt Him grieving with me and for me. At other times, I have gotten glimpses of perspective. I've felt strength like I never knew before and a powerful "knowing" that all is well, that I will see Elle again, and that she is near even now.

I am very grateful that so far (21 months) I haven't experienced prolonged depression or a lot of anger, which I think is fairly common is these situations. I've been keeping an eye out for depression, especially watching for effects on my self-esteem, which would indicate bigger trouble. If I had depression, I was ready to get help and medication. I've seen depression in myself and others and feel like it is foolishness to not do whatever it takes to address the problem.

I would tell her some things that have helped me: I committed early on to support myself physically and spiritually, no matter what. I've exercised three times a week and made sure I got enough sleep. Grief is exhausting, and sometimes in the hardest times that meant sleeping more than eight or nine hours. I had been in the habit of attending the temple weekly for years before Elle died, and I made sure I kept this up. I've listened to the scriptures pretty much daily and prayed throughout the day, telling Heavenly Father whatever I was thinking and feeling and asking for continued strength and comfort. If you ask me, that spiritual preparation before Elle's accident and commitment since is the main reason I would say I've been able to grieve in a healthy way so far. I'm not saying that going to the temple and exercising will prevent things like anger and depression—I count myself very fortunate to have escaped those experiences so far—but, I think it has given me the very best chance to be mentally healthy.

I would tell her to be patient with her grief, taking it one day at a time, and to let herself feel it and work through it. I spent a lot of time putting together a photo/journal book all about Elle, which allowed me time to focus on her and get some kind of closure instead of lugging around unfinished emotional business for years and years to come. It was also important to me to feel like I had a record of her life to preserve the memories and introduce her to future sons- and daughters-in-law and grandkids.

On better days, I've tried to be open with people and not treat Elle's death as a taboo subject. That has allowed me to hear about others' struggles and not feel alone. I've been able to gain perspective and feel supported and loved, because people seem to want opportunities to show you they care.

I've done whatever I could to help our other kids. Even though we have encouraged our kids to tell us how they are feeling, they worry they will add to our grief and are careful not to. It’s a challenge to even know how to support each of our kids because they are all at different stages of development and grief. My own grief has been overwhelming at times and clouded my thinking for several months after Elle’s death, so we found a grief support center designed for kids and teens, the Bradley Center. Because of the Bradley Center, I feel like I did something right and critically important for our kids in their time of need. I didn't have to add "failing as a mother" to my grief.

I would tell her one more thing. Guilt, in my opinion, is inappropriate. You know you would never purposely put your child in harm's way and that you would move heaven and earth to save his or her life. It's all about intention. But you will feel guilt, no doubt about it. It's just part of grief. But don't believe the guilt. And go through the motions, at least, of talking yourself out of it and thinking realistically, so you carve that pathway in your brain. I've required that of myself.

To answer the question "Will I ever be happy again?"— I would tell her about the one couple who gave me hope. They had lost their 2-year-old daughter when she drowned in their hot tub over 25 years ago. The mother said, "For the first two years I cried every day, but don't ever let people tell you that you won't get over it. We have had a happy life. When I think about Angie, I smile and remember her with joy. It's sweet to me. We've had a perfect life—perfect for us."

Elle's 6th Birthday and a party in my stomach...

I sent a package to MK in Hawaii for Elle's birthday, including a number 6 candle for Elle's birthday dessert, which was always donuts, and Thankful Trees to match ours at home.

After that, things fell apart as far as my participation. Remember how Getty got "sicker than I've been my whole life"? Ya. I got that. But it wasn't a quick-and-dirty 24 hours. I was wrecked for nine days. By the morning of day two, I told Rob to just kill me. Elle's birthday landed right in the middle of that lawlessness. I could barely lift my head that day. 

The kids wore pink. Cam's sporting a sock beard for crazy sock day at school.

Getty's Instagram

Rob took the kids to Pizza Pie Cafe, one of Elle's favorite restaurants. Hayden made them a Super Pizzookie :)



Rob and the kids released pink balloons with messages. Later, we filled out Thanksgiving Tree leaves and chewed on pink bubblegum.

Elle's best friends wore pink and Justin Bieber t-shirts to school in Elle's honor. Then they had a little cupcake party and balloon release at Elle's graveside. I can't believe how old Elle's friends look. Elle was Si's younger sister's age when she died (far left).

Service Gifts for Elle

MK did baptisms for the dead in the Hawaii temple on Elle's birthday.

Mia was able to connect with this cheerleader's big brother about some of his feelings about the terminal nature of his sister's disease. His mom told Mia later that her son had not been able to open up like that before.

Getty went out of his way to sit by a lonely kid at lunch and talked with him the whole time. He told me, "It made him so happy!"

Cy invited a new kid at school to play basketball at recess with he and his friends.

Cam helped walk his piano teacher's dog. His teacher is the primary caregiver for her son who is struggling to rehabilitate from brain surgery.

I was able to finish indexing 2000 names for the FamilySearch genealogical website for Elle this year.

Rob has been working non-stop for the past couple of weeks, so he hasn't had much time, but he had a friend from out-of-town stay with us for a few days (ya, I helped a bit with that ;) Rob's actually my role model for service, always ready to help out with big stuff like helping people move to small stuff like making malts for the teenagers that come over. 

So, it was a good day for my family. As for me, it was a wake-up call. The torturous nausea, the mind-numbing boredom, not being able to get up or read or even watch tv without feeling even sicker, feeling completely restless and barely able to sleep day or night... suffering does funny things to a person. Like make ice chips taste phenomenal and cool sheets on feverish skin like the ultimate relief. It makes things like getting laundry done and packing lunches for school seem like a dream come true. I realized that even if I just felt 50% better, and I could do something—anything—for myself and my family, that's a reason to feel happy.

I guess Elle gave me a gift on her birthday. I love you sweet girl.

The Latest with Bomber

Mia turned 17!

All she asked for was cash. (Don't worry, the Victoria Secret bag was just more of her favorite lotion ;)

Mia's favorite double date these days. Daniel likes to sling her over his shoulder when she gets feisty.

Her first job, shipping for a fashion boutique.




Fall Cheer pics, 2013

Baby love!

Love you, Baby!

How could I have let this happen?

Late one night I stopped and watched as a few pictures of Elle appeared on my screensaver. The picture below was taken the day before the accident, ironically in a hospital.

I thought to myself, "This is the same beautiful little girl who got so broken that she died. How could I have let that happen?"


How could I have let that happen.

It's irrational, but my heart has a mind of its own. I left the computer and cried for awhile on the floor in the kitchen.

As the tears fell I had the thought, "If I 'let' this happen to my young daughter, then it follows that Heavenly Father also 'let' this happen to His daughter. He who loves her even more than I do. He who heard my prayers asking Him to protect her if I couldn't. He who could have prevented it but didn't.

He who makes no mistakes.

He did right by her. He did right by me. And if I can't see how in my limited, finite condition, that's no surprise.

He can see it clearly.



And my guilt is swept away (for now ;)

Halloween, 2013

I texted these to MK to give her a little Halloween jolt. She dressed up for soccer practice as a rapper. Cause she cool like dat.

School Halloween parade. Cam's a Wild Kratt adventurer morphing into a robot animal, don't you know?

E-towne :)

Cy and his bestie, Aaron.





Mia getting busted in the school commons



As for Getty, his expectations for an acceptable Halloween are, um... scary. It needs to be outrageously FUN and most definitely horrifying. When he gets the feeling that Halloween is just not going to cut it this year (almost every year), he sinks into a black pit of despair. Even at age 4, when the Batman costume he chose didn't turn out to be as menacing as he had planned, he refused to let me alter it or even to wear any costume at all to his preschool costume party. Many years he would wear two or three different costumes throughout the day. He explained matter-of-factly, "You need a funny one in the morning, a comfortable one for school, and a scary one for night." I see.

These were Getty's plans for this year's Halloween...

But, the week before Halloween he got "sicker than I've been my whole life" (I agree) and was too wiped out for Saturday's dress rehearsal of 16 zombies in the forest. I tried to tell him he could do something on a smaller scale ;), but for him, it was all or nothing. Maybe next year....

And no school costume(s) for him this time (Batman complex...). Until it got dark... then he and his friends could chase screaming kids around the neighborhood in skeleton masks....

Cy's class party. I was in charge of the "treat activity."

And Rob wanted me to be sure to bring kitty litter to Cy and Cam's classes. Gross.

Later that night, Kip and Lafawnduh stopped by for a visit :)

My little sister and big bro-in-law. Two thumbs UP.

Happy Halloween!