Heart Attack

A few hearts in our family Valentine heart attack:

I sent MK a package for Elle's Angel Day of pink bubblegum, blank red hearts to heart attack her apartment, a little cash, and a photo of her playing Barbie's with Elle on her bed. She sent me this email:

"Mom, here are some of the thoughts I wrote down on Elle's angel day. 

"Having it been 2 years, looking back now is a lot different than last year. After this day last year I didn't think about all of what happened (the actual events) as much I think about all that 'could of been.' Things like how I could of had a sister to teach dance to, a babysitter for my kids, someone me and Mia could spoil... things like that. I have a better taste of what my mom felt like when she was saying no more dance competitions, or girl proms.... Also Mia brought up a really interesting point to me. She said she was mad about it because she lost the little sister she always wanted. Mia has just 3 younger brothers and finally got a younger sister—something I already have. I realized my connection to Elle is a lot different than all the other siblings. For me, I have multiples of little sisters and little brothers, but for them Elle was all their only little sister to spoil and look after.

"I also have been thinking about what my connection to Elle is and was. And frankly I cant give an answer. I feel like I never feel her presence, or I just don't recognize it which I hate. I wish I could feel her with me. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to see her through my kids. Kinda a weird thought." 

I loved hearing MK's thoughts. It's all progress, I think. I don't recognize Elle with me much at all either. For now, most of the time when I think of her I feel the longing and the loss. Pretty sure that gets in the way of feeling Elle's entertaining spirit. 

But I do feel my dad's presence. He died of a heart attack over 13 years ago, but his influence as he watches over me is undeniable. And I haven't forgotten him at all—his hands, his perspective that life is short in the eternal scheme of things, his knowing that things will work out, the crazy stories he would tell about his childhood (driving drunk sailors when he was 11-yrs-old to their ships in the middle of the night). I remember the way tears would stream down his face when he bore his testimony but his voice stayed perfectly steady. I remember the time he took a poll of our soccer team to see how many 7th grade girls shaved their legs and wore nylons. Shaved-leg nylon wearers: 16. Overprotected daughters: 1 (that would be me). I remember him well.

But more importantly, I actually feel like he never stopped being my dad. He's a big part of my life in the here and now. And that is how I know Elle hasn't stopped being my daughter. I have the experience to know that I will feel her love and her influence throughout my life... just as soon as I can hush up my tears.

That's inspiration to forge ahead if I've ever heard it.

Have Fun for Elle's Sake

Around Elle's Angel Day, a couple of friends decided I needed to take the family and get out of town. I'm a pretty obedient person, and Rob is awesome and pried himself away from work, so we headed to St. George for a long weekend.

We arrived on Valentine's Day, ditched the kids and had dinner 

at Bella Marie's with Clint and Cassie.

Here we are not at dinner :)

Ready to bike down Snow Canyon with Wadsworth's

Afterwards, the kids went to the "Lego Movie," and we caught "Monument Men."

Penny catch for like an hour

Oh the drama (Jacks)

oh what concentration

oh what fun (Rob)

Nertz!

Sunday we did church with Wadsworth's. Our kids LOVED 

Wadsworth's ward and started dissing on ours :(

Relaxing in the hotel

with this view (of my dirty lens)

Hiking down into the lava tubes

That scenery was gorgeous

At night we played our parent-version night games: Quirkle, Bananagrams...

Riveted by Xtreme sports

Swimming at Sand Hollow

Mia and Rob swam laps, while I took pictures of them swimming laps :)

Trick dives (Getty)

(Cy)

Finesse by Jackson

Cam's "I come in peace" pose

Lily pad races

Before we left, an Evans vs. Wadsworth's b-ball game to 21. Getty liked crossing people up 

and then passing to invisible players, "That would've been a wicked move!!" Bahahahaha

Wadsworth's won, because they always win. Why mess with tradition?

In other words, we had a lot of fun. Elle must be proud :)

Angel Day, 2014

Two years. It feels to me like we're only about 9 months out from Elle's accident. The days leading up to Elle's Angel Day were no fun, so I was all for avoiding another meltdown if possible. 

Two years ago on a Saturday we were watching Cy and MK play basketball games. This year we spent the day at Mia's cheer competition and another of Cy's basketball games.

LP's tricky moving pyramid

Dance party before awards ceremony

1st place Varsity Cheer Advanced Division

Grand Champion Overall High Point Cheer across all divisions

I remembered I had my camera after Cy's basketball game was all over. Pfffff

In Elle's honor, Griff and Sienna wore pink ribbons around their backpack straps to school on Friday.

And made cards and visited her grave on Sunday afternoon.

Check out these two sweethearts! Elle's best friend is 6 (Elle's "would-be" age) and her baby 

sister is 4 (the age Elle died). What a difference 2 years makes in a little girl's life.

Elle's Vietti cousins wore pink

And the Hughes cousins gave her grave a heart attack

And snuck in another heart attack on our front door

Rob and I and four of the kids visited Elle's grave together and found 

Granny and Doug already there. Aren't they cute?

Rob thought we should all put on my pink lip gloss and kiss the 

balloons before we sent them up to Elle.

I love this pic of Rob :)

Cy practices his pucker

Rob admires his lip print.

Getty says I kiss weird.

I talked to MK that day. She told me she's been going to the temple every week, and that sometimes waiting for a week to go back seems too long. The temple grounds were closed on February 8th, so she visited the cemetery, read the "Elle" posts about the accident, and wrote in her journal.

She also told me that as she wrote, she felt so grateful for the timing of it all. College friends ask her how her family handles these "Angel Days" and Elle's birthday. She tells them she doesn't really know, because she's never been home for one. But she was home for the accident, and she was home for those first six months of grief.

Sometimes I wonder if Elle's life were prolonged. Maybe she could have been taken earlier, because she had no need to be tried and tested. Maybe Heavenly Father kept her here longer for our sakes. By February, 2012, our family reached the point when we had only six more months together before MK flew across the ocean to begin her new independent life. Maybe at that point, Heavenly Father took Elle Home, so we could experience Elle's death together and have some time to grieve as a family.

More and more I'm convinced that timing is one of the keys to seeing the Lord's hand in our lives.

Two years down. Hopefully, those were the worst two years of our lives. 

Over and done. 

Don't tell me anything different! ;)