A few hearts in our family Valentine heart attack:
I sent MK a package for Elle's Angel Day of pink bubblegum, blank red hearts to heart attack her apartment, a little cash, and a photo of her playing Barbie's with Elle on her bed. She sent me this email:
"Having it been 2 years, looking back now is a lot different than last year. After this day last year I didn't think about all of what happened (the actual events) as much I think about all that 'could of been.' Things like how I could of had a sister to teach dance to, a babysitter for my kids, someone me and Mia could spoil... things like that. I have a better taste of what my mom felt like when she was saying no more dance competitions, or girl proms.... Also Mia brought up a really interesting point to me. She said she was mad about it because she lost the little sister she always wanted. Mia has just 3 younger brothers and finally got a younger sister—something I already have. I realized my connection to Elle is a lot different than all the other siblings. For me, I have multiples of little sisters and little brothers, but for them Elle was all their only little sister to spoil and look after.
"I also have been thinking about what my connection to Elle is and was. And frankly I cant give an answer. I feel like I never feel her presence, or I just don't recognize it which I hate. I wish I could feel her with me. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to see her through my kids. Kinda a weird thought."
I loved hearing MK's thoughts. It's all progress, I think. I don't recognize Elle with me much at all either. For now, most of the time when I think of her I feel the longing and the loss. Pretty sure that gets in the way of feeling Elle's entertaining spirit.
But I do feel my dad's presence. He died of a heart attack over 13 years ago, but his influence as he watches over me is undeniable. And I haven't forgotten him at all—his hands, his perspective that life is short in the eternal scheme of things, his knowing that things will work out, the crazy stories he would tell about his childhood (driving drunk sailors when he was 11-yrs-old to their ships in the middle of the night). I remember the way tears would stream down his face when he bore his testimony but his voice stayed perfectly steady. I remember the time he took a poll of our soccer team to see how many 7th grade girls shaved their legs and wore nylons. Shaved-leg nylon wearers: 16. Overprotected daughters: 1 (that would be me). I remember him well.
But more importantly, I actually feel like he never stopped being my dad. He's a big part of my life in the here and now. And that is how I know Elle hasn't stopped being my daughter. I have the experience to know that I will feel her love and her influence throughout my life... just as soon as I can hush up my tears.
That's inspiration to forge ahead if I've ever heard it.
"I also have been thinking about what my connection to Elle is and was. And frankly I cant give an answer. I feel like I never feel her presence, or I just don't recognize it which I hate. I wish I could feel her with me. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to see her through my kids. Kinda a weird thought."
I loved hearing MK's thoughts. It's all progress, I think. I don't recognize Elle with me much at all either. For now, most of the time when I think of her I feel the longing and the loss. Pretty sure that gets in the way of feeling Elle's entertaining spirit.
But I do feel my dad's presence. He died of a heart attack over 13 years ago, but his influence as he watches over me is undeniable. And I haven't forgotten him at all—his hands, his perspective that life is short in the eternal scheme of things, his knowing that things will work out, the crazy stories he would tell about his childhood (driving drunk sailors when he was 11-yrs-old to their ships in the middle of the night). I remember the way tears would stream down his face when he bore his testimony but his voice stayed perfectly steady. I remember the time he took a poll of our soccer team to see how many 7th grade girls shaved their legs and wore nylons. Shaved-leg nylon wearers: 16. Overprotected daughters: 1 (that would be me). I remember him well.
But more importantly, I actually feel like he never stopped being my dad. He's a big part of my life in the here and now. And that is how I know Elle hasn't stopped being my daughter. I have the experience to know that I will feel her love and her influence throughout my life... just as soon as I can hush up my tears.
That's inspiration to forge ahead if I've ever heard it.
1 comment:
Wise woman! So, did you do dinner with fire? I did for the first time in YEARS! It was fun:) I love your "heart attacks" what a fun way to express love for one another.
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