I have been struggling to find a happy place for my relationship with McKenzie. A friend asked me the other day at dinner, “So, what’s the problem?” And I was at a complete loss to explain the cause of our friction. I just didn’t get it. MK’s the best kind of teenager to have. I never worry about her getting into trouble, I don’t worry about her choice of friends or even her grades. She has a hard time coming home on time and checking in, and she doesn’t do her chores until begged, but that’s kids stuff.
One night last week I sat down in her room and said, “Kenz, I really want to have a good relationship. What’s going on?” She began listing complaints. I tried to really listen. She said stuff like, “You are like Master vs. Servant. There’s a big distinction between parent and child. And you’re just like Mia…” I couldn't understand what she was saying. I tried to explain that she has only one mom, and I’m it. I don’t want to let her down. If I’m her buddy now, later she’ll say, "Why didn’t you set boundaries? Why didn’t you tell me?… You were the parent, you knew better…." (So I’m defending my position, right?) She explained more, “You’re always right. You always win.” And then it hit me. Somewhere out of the blue, I remembered an episode with my dad.
My dad and I had a rough experience in my teen years. I loved him, I respected him, and I admired him. And I was "a good kid." But we did argue. A lot. And I could never quite explain why. Not then and not until maybe a few days ago.
So, back to the episode. My dad and I and Wes Arbon, a co-worker, were carpooling back from work one summer, and my dad starts saying to Wes, “You know, I was thinking about teenagers today and how they haven’t gone through nearly the stuff we went through as teenagers. I mean, we faced Vietnam and the Korean War, the real threat of nuclear warfare, the emergence of 'free love' and drug cultures….” He kept looking in the rearview mirror at me and saying, “Right, Lorenne?" and, "What do you think about that, Lorenne?” The message to me was loud and clear: “Our generation had substance. Your generation is pathetic in comparison.” I was furious, and my silence was deafening. Wes must have felt pretty awkward.
I’m sure my dad never intended the “take home” thought to be that I and my peers were nothing but weak imitations of a far worthier older generation, but in my mind, he could not have been more deprecating.
Master vs. Servant.
I remember craving validation from my dad. Whenever I went to him with a problem, he handed me the solution so matter-of-factly that I felt like such an idiot for not figuring it out on my own. He would downplay or laugh off the drama in my life, which as a parent, I totally get. But at the time, I needed to feel like my thoughts and feelings were on par with someone respectable and intelligent. I didn’t feel like he took me seriously. And that’s where my pride reared its ferocious head.
So, now it all comes together. My dad was also a right-fighter. Meaning, he would never back down from an argument when he felt he was right. And he was always right. (He actually was [almost] always right.) Of course, I have long been a right-fighter and have felt it is my duty to set my children straight, whether or not it came across as condescending. When there’s a power struggle, I win. But I could stand to avoid power struggles in the first place (duh!)
You should see the lightbulb shining over my head.
Take-home message to self: Listen. To. Her. Hear what she is saying. Validate her. Validate. Her. Then tell her my OPINION (not fact). Let her decide. She’s smart. Trust the goodness in her. It’s not my job to compel her to know what I know. Educate her, but don’t force it down her throat. Guide. Counsel. Then, if I begin to argue, DON’T.
P.S. I still don’t get the comment about being just like Mia….
4 comments:
What a great post. I actually really needed to hear this. I am a right-fighter, too, mostly because I am always right. haha. Seriously, though, I have been doing this to my oldest lately and I feel her growing distant. She is a good kid, too. I need to trust her and be a sounding board instead of always telling her straight up what the "right" answer is. I had a pretty tough relationship with my dad because of the exact same issue. Thanks for your rawness. I appreciate it.
Wow. That's awesome. I read this a few times, in hopes it would truly sink in. Way to go.
My mom and I have a great friendship. I loved this post. It made me think a lot of how I felt about our relationship growing up. I think she never tried too hard to be my friend but she never tried to hard to be my parent either. I remember always knowing that I could talk to her about anything and that she would always listen to me and try to understand my point of view. I felt like my opinions mattered to her and that she valued how I felt about things and took them into consideration before she made a judgement about me. I am so grateful for her understanding heart which has allowed our relationship to become a deep friendship as well as a parent child relationship. She is the woman that I respect and admire more than any other in the world. Thank you for this post Lorenne, which helped me appreciate my relationship with my mom and how we have grown closer as we learned to listen to and understand each other.
I remember the day my mom came into my bedroom and said, "I've really learned a lot in my Love and Logic parenting class, and I think I've been doing some things all wrong." That was a day that she made me feel really important to her--she was trying to do her best, and her best that day was to be honest with me about her limitations, acknowledge my strengths, and have enough respect for me to let me in on it. MK will remember that conversation for the rest of her life....and it will add to the reasons she loves you as the mom that loves HER.
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