So, in 42 days, I earned 41 "H's." The "S" happened just one day before an official month of "H's." It was about bedtime, just after I had marked an "H" for the day. (Geez!) It was all Rob's fault (actually, not even close). But I'm cutting myself some slack on that one, because it could've been worse. And Rob can take my guff.
If I had to estimate the number of times I wanted to freak out during the past 6 weeks, I would say about 30 :)
Three keys to success:
1. Eat humble pie (gobs of it)
2. Disengage for a sec and ask myself, "Why am I freaking out [in my mind]? What am I so afraid of/frustrated about?"
3. Tell myself, "I will not freak out, no matter what. Come hell or high water." (And sometimes it's plenty hot and floody around here.)
The kids insist on complete integrity with this goal of mine. One day Cam spilled something and then walked through it (not processing my pleas to "stop! stand still!") until he had tracked it far and wide. I swear, I gave just the slightest hint of a grumble under my breath, and he said in a kindly parental voice, "Mom, remember how you're working on not getting mad?..."
What has amazed me is I honestly have changed. To the point that I can't remember being my old self. I've turned the proverbial corner in my brain somehow, and I'm different. I don't feel defensive all the time anymore. I don't feel like I have to be in charge of my whole world anymore. I've surrendered. Not in a "giving up" kind of way, but in a humble, I don't know it all, I don't have to take the blame for everything that goes wrong kind of way. I've noticed I've developed (or more likely, was gifted) an attitude of acceptance when I face stressful situations. Acceptance was never something in my coping repertoire. I was always fighting reality with my expectations. Now, I can accept stressful situations almost immediately and move straight on to problem-solving.
At the same time I feel I've made a fundamental change, I also recognize I could slip back into my old habits/attitudes as easily as they crept up on me in the first place. So, I'll continue to track this.
I imagine this experience will always be a reference point for me in the future. A defining moment. The moment when I understood change is possible when it's accompanied by heartfelt and consistent prayer, humility, desire, accountability, and commitment. There's hope for me yet!
3 comments:
That is so awesome and SO inspiring. I read this post earlier today. Tonight, Maisie was in the shower and I walked in to check on her. She was sitting on the drain and letting the water build up around her. I said "hey - don't do that!" not in a mean voice but it was an "eye roller" voice. Then I thought "what am I afraid of?" Her having too much fun? Her drowning in the shower? I have so much to work on!!
You should write a book. Seriously. You have done so much research on both parenting and becoming a better Mother - and have gone on so many personal, amazing journeys that it needs to be compiled in a book. XOXO
You are amazingly inspirational. Can you come live with me and be my life coach?
my computer has been down for awhile, so I enjoyed catching up on your blog. My favorite may be the spilling yogurt comment! I am impressed at your restraint and determination to better yourself. I am glad for you and am proud at the same time. You are always inspiring!
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