I learned in a grief group that it's important to acknowledge these important days (birthdays, anniversary's) even if it's just in a small and simple way, rather than try to avoid or ignore them.
So.
This morning I poured pink milk into the boys' cereal and Strawberry Quik into their cups as they got ready for school.
Last year, the day before the accident, Elle and I met Rob for lunch at Rubio's. So, once the kids were out the door, I met Rob for brunch. Rubio's wasn't open yet, so we ate at Mimi's Café and then jogged over to take a picture at Rubio's when it opened. Elle had sat apart from us at her own little table by choice, happily talking to herself and playing with straws. Rob and I had watched her with big grins on our faces.
It's now 2:54 p.m., one hour and 17 minutes before I made that 911 call one year ago. Mia is napping in her bedroom, and I'm alone with my thoughts.
The loss is still crushing.
I still can't believe it happened. I can't believe this is the story of my life. I get overwhelmed with the future I've lost with her. I still feel my life will be less beautiful without her.
I wonder how her brothers and sisters will process her death over the years through teenage eyes, adult eyes, and parent eyes.
I'm grateful that I feel it less often. I see glimpses of a normal life without her. I've grown more accustomed to living without her through sheer practice these past 361 days. That hurts, but it's necessary to feel some distance from our life with her. One of the most painful aspects of the grief has been remembering having her with us and in our home so clearly and so recently.
Lately, Rob has been doing everything he can to work through his grief, and he's been as loving and plugged-in as possible. I'm so grateful to have him in my life, I think now more than ever.
The boys are home....
{Break}
At 4:11 p.m. I lit Elle's pink candle.
For Family Night, I finally got to open the two large packages I sent for weeks ago.
It's "Elle's Edition," 365 pages of Elle. I had one printed for each of us.
Her book includes:
• Lots of favorite pictures of Elle, from newborn through age four
• Lots of captions and memories
• All of the photos, details, and circumstances of the accident and four-day hospital stay
• Elle's obituary
• Photos and captions of the viewing, funeral, and burial
• Each of the kids' funeral letters to Elle
• A section dedicated to each sibling's photos and memories with Elle
• My funeral letter to Elle and an excerpt of Rob's talk with a section of pictures for each of us with Elle
• Elle's grave marker
• Elder Bednar's letter
• Pictures and notes on many of the things people did to comfort us and mourn with us
• Pictures of each of the kids' Elle Bears
• Sister Wixom's visit
• Pictures of Elle's bedroom and clothes
• Pictures and memories of her favorite things, toys, and books
• Elle's habits and hobbies
• Her best friends
• Some of her drawings
• Elle's Drama Queen tree at the Festival of Trees
• Most recent pre-accident memories
• Celebrating Elle's 5th birthday and first Christmas without her
• Perspectives
Phew! Seriously, if there's a fire....
I wanted each of the kids to have their own books in hopes that it would help them remember her and process their life with her, and process the accident and her death on their own time over the coming months and years. I also wanted them to have this record of her life to introduce their future spouses and children to "Aunt Elle," and show them who Elle was and the part she played in their young lives.
Plus (big plus), I wanted to document every inch of her for my sake and Rob's.
Hmmmm. Looks like good grief.
Later, we gave our family a heart attack.
Some of my favorites:
To "Rob" :) from Cy
To Mom from Cam...
What's with all the heart break?
To Getty from Cy...
From Cam to Elle
From Cam to Mia...
From Dad to MK...
Skylar and Trent spent most of the afternoon and night with us playing basketball with the boys at the church gym, giving me the 411 on the perils of L.P. high school in the kitchen, and playing video games with Getty until I kicked them all out of the media room at bedtime.
It's now 10:25 p.m. I've been texting MK in Hawaii throughout her busy day. She says it's been a good one.
Ya, not so bad. Compared....
I wonder how her brothers and sisters will process her death over the years through teenage eyes, adult eyes, and parent eyes.
I'm grateful that I feel it less often. I see glimpses of a normal life without her. I've grown more accustomed to living without her through sheer practice these past 361 days. That hurts, but it's necessary to feel some distance from our life with her. One of the most painful aspects of the grief has been remembering having her with us and in our home so clearly and so recently.
Lately, Rob has been doing everything he can to work through his grief, and he's been as loving and plugged-in as possible. I'm so grateful to have him in my life, I think now more than ever.
The boys are home....
{Break}
At 4:11 p.m. I lit Elle's pink candle.
For Family Night, I finally got to open the two large packages I sent for weeks ago.
It's "Elle's Edition," 365 pages of Elle. I had one printed for each of us.
Her book includes:
• Lots of favorite pictures of Elle, from newborn through age four
• Lots of captions and memories
• All of the photos, details, and circumstances of the accident and four-day hospital stay
• Elle's obituary
• Photos and captions of the viewing, funeral, and burial
• Each of the kids' funeral letters to Elle
• A section dedicated to each sibling's photos and memories with Elle
• My funeral letter to Elle and an excerpt of Rob's talk with a section of pictures for each of us with Elle
• Elle's grave marker
• Elder Bednar's letter
• Pictures and notes on many of the things people did to comfort us and mourn with us
• Pictures of each of the kids' Elle Bears
• Sister Wixom's visit
• Pictures of Elle's bedroom and clothes
• Pictures and memories of her favorite things, toys, and books
• Elle's habits and hobbies
• Her best friends
• Some of her drawings
• Elle's Drama Queen tree at the Festival of Trees
• Most recent pre-accident memories
• Celebrating Elle's 5th birthday and first Christmas without her
• Perspectives
Phew! Seriously, if there's a fire....
I wanted each of the kids to have their own books in hopes that it would help them remember her and process their life with her, and process the accident and her death on their own time over the coming months and years. I also wanted them to have this record of her life to introduce their future spouses and children to "Aunt Elle," and show them who Elle was and the part she played in their young lives.
Plus (big plus), I wanted to document every inch of her for my sake and Rob's.
Later, we gave our family a heart attack.
Some of my favorites:
To "Rob" :) from Cy
To Getty from Cy...
It's now 10:25 p.m. I've been texting MK in Hawaii throughout her busy day. She says it's been a good one.
Ya, not so bad. Compared....
2 comments:
I love that you made everyone an Elle's Edition! What an amazing book of memories and love for future spouses, grandkids and friends to know of such an amazing little Angel!! I have been thinking of your whole family, I love you guys!! While we grieve one year without her Heaven celebrates having such an incredible Angel for a year!!
That book was a HUGE labor of love. What a lot of love in your family. A blessing for all of you--and something that YOU have fostered and nurtured. You ARE a nurturer, Lorenne...a thoughtful, compassionate, creative nurturer. I love you!!
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