The Jig Is UP

Rob and I decided we'd better get some parenting help with one of our kids (named Mia :), so we spent a couple of two-hour sessions with a wise counselor. Those sessions were a lifesaver. I couldn't have predicted just how beneficial those sessions would be. (btw, Rob and Mia gave me permission to post this.)

Rob told him we were 90% on the same page in parenting philosophy and mostly struggled over the practical application. First, the counselor surprised me by saying, "It sounds like you're complacent about being 90%. That 10% difference can be a canyon when it comes to your kids' ability to manipulate and undermine your parenting. There is tremendous power in being 100% united." Then, through some skillful questioning, it became apparent that although we may have been 90% on the same page philosophically, we were polar opposites when it came to practical application.

I'm the rule keeper, and Rob tends to look for loopholes or exceptions. Whereas I approach situations in broader, more general terms, he thinks each situation is different. It was exhausting to me to discuss each situation and continually re-assess. The kids liked Rob's approach MUCH better, so I was outnumbered and mostly the bad guy. Rob would make some decisions without me, and that made the kids happy, but left me feeling helpless. I felt like we were failing the kids by not being consistent and following through on our parenting philosophy, while Rob was focused on preserving our relationship with the kids and not making them feel shame. We both wanted the same things, but we had a disconnect we just could not figure out.

You know those times that you smile inappropriately, and you try to keep a straight face and as a last resort, hide behind your shirt? As I sat in that first session with our counselor, I could not stop smiling. Inappropriately. (I think I enjoyed him taking Rob's inventory a little too much. Of course, then it was my turn.)

We got Mia involved in the second two-hour session. The counselor talked to her alone for an hour, and then they joined Rob and I in a family room setting. I loved what he had to say to Mia. I think it was eye-opening for her to see his perspective on her within the context of many teens he had worked with.

Since then, Mia decided to break up with her boyfriend (the boyfriend she wasn't "allowed" to have ;) and has been having fun with new interests (like girls' rugby) and more dates and friends. Her life is opening up, just as the counselor predicted as she made those changes.

Just the other day Mia said to me, "Dad's a lot stricter. That counselor guy ruined everything" [as she muffled a laugh]. HA!