The past year was a matter of emotional survival. For me, that meant two things. First, maintaining a strong connection with Heavenly Father and the Savior through the basics—prayer, scripture study, and church and temple attendance. Second, maintaining moderation and balance. I made sure I got enough sleep, but not too much. I exercised 3 times a week. If I needed to leave the house, I didn't let my grief hold me back. I visited Elle's grave often in the warmer weather to help me face the facts. I spent many hours reviewing Elle's life and thinking of ways to honor her. On bad days, I'd give myself hours of time alone. On other bad days, I'd make sure I was busy and socializing. I cried so often and so unpredictably, that I just kept on doing what I was doing, so I could have a life that day. Clumpy, half-gone "waterproof" mascara was my new look.
I know where I've been, but I don't know where I'm going or how to get there. I'm at a crossroads. I see two options. There must be others, but I don't know what they are.
Option one: continue in survival mode. Spending a year with great sadness in my heart and on my mind is exhausting and painful. I wonder how long before it takes a more lasting toll on my personality. On the other hand, I can't jump ship. The journey's not over. In fact, I can't even see the shore, and swimming at this point would be futile.
Option two: put Grief in the back seat and start driving. But, then here's Guilt riding shotgun. Guilt that tells you it's not right to accept your new life. It defies logic, but wow, it is very real.
I wonder if, at some point, I could drop off Grief and Guilt and just take Elle with me on a joyride that lasts the rest of my life. Could that be done? And when?
3 comments:
Yes! I wonder the same thing in my own life. I love the way you phrased this. Please share your ideas when you get them. How we honor our babies, but move ahead in a way that honors them and of course takes them w/ us every step of the way.
Option three?: Give grief and guilt to the Savior. He'll keep it safe, if you need it back, just ask. (simple not easy, I understand that)
First I need to say that the death of my child that I experienced was not the same. Your loss, in my opinion, is far worse :( After Liberty died, I turned to our Savior and his atonement because guilt consumed me. We induced labor because she was going to die no matter what and her condition would worsen the longer I carried her. The guilt (satan) would consume me every day. I could almost hear satan saying "She might have lived!" "The doctors were wrong!" "YOU killed her!" etc. Turning to our Savior helped me heal and move forward never allowing guilt to ride shotgun. I know you have a beautiful relationship with our Savior and know that if you pray daily to him about this very thing, He will provide the strength and peace you need :) Love you!
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