The Age of Innocence

Rob performs the Napolean Dynamite dance for our neighborhood Talent Show with McKenzie and Mia. Rob barely recognized himself in the pic, ha!

Grandpa & Grandma... and Grandma :)

This was taken after winning a Stake volleyball tournament in 1987. Grandpa Rawlin A. (#3), Grandma Marie (#2), and new Grandma Maureen (#22). Too funny that Rawlin and Marie were being photographed with the woman who 27 years later would be Rawlin's new bride.

Rawlin just gave Rob and I a disk of 10,000 photos of him and Marie and their three kids and families. He took so many pictures of our kids and their dance recitals and sports. Most of them I had never seen. 

Cy! I can't even stand it—he's so adorable!

 Getty! (and MK in the background)

 Check out that Jazz sweatsuit! haha

 Awwwwww, he's so sweet!

 The dynamic duo (in a moment of reflection, haha)

Looking through old photos, I've begun to realize I need to readjust my expectations for our life. 

After Elle died, I waited patiently (at first) for life to get back to normal. 

Before she died, we had a schedule that included "tubbies," family dinner when dad got home, 9:00 bedtime, "Popcorn Pillow Talks," making forts, playing with blocks and playdough, and family movie nights. MK and Mia were 17 and 15 years old but busy with soccer and cheer and doing well in school. As I look back on it now, it was the Age of Innocence.

(1998: The good ol' days)

Elle's death launched us prematurely into what I'll call the "death of innocence." For a year, we had no set schedule. Lots of different friends and neighbors would drop by to check in on us and grab the kids and take them to ice cream or bowling or to a movie—which was a life saver— but also meant late nights, dinner out, and kids in all different directions. Rob and I went through the motions of providing and caring for the kids. Our home life as a family was scattered and robotic.

Cam took showers instead of "tubbies" and just as abruptly, stopped playing with toys and stopped singing as he emptied the dishwasher. He was only 6 years old. 

We seemed to shift quickly out of kid phase and into teen and young adult phase. And just as quickly, we graduated from manageable toddler tantrums to highly stressful and more serious challenges with teenagers.

The teenagers wanted more and more to be with friends, so we replaced privacy with house parties and friends in and out the door and traded a schedule for flexibility (and unpredictability).

Still, I waited for and worked hard to return to "normal." I waited to feel like things were under control again. I waited for our kids to trust and obey us again :) I waited and worked hard for teaching and discipline at home to replace and prevent real-life consequences.

But just as I cannot return to my childhood, our children cannot return to theirs. Our new normal is not about innocence; it's about experience. I have to say good-bye to that time of life and accept what is—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have to accept that for most of our kids at this stage, more is at stake than a time-out or an extra chore. I have to learn to cope without fear and unrealistic expectations.

When the kids were young, I would wonder about the future with great curiosity, hope, and anticipation. Now that they are older, I have a real need to not look too far down the road and instead to focus on one day and its challenges at a time. Speculating about the future can magnify my fears and quickly turn the day's problems into a worst case scenario.

I've learned so much in dealing with our teenagers and have such a different, larger perspective on the Atonement and on Christ's love for each of us and His mercy and His understanding of and patience with our fragile human state. 

With all the challenges and stress of the past few years, I genuinely feel so happy and grateful and lucky to have each one of our kids. They are so worth the effort and energy and brain power and grief that goes into loving them and being so invested in their happiness. That's how I can understand on a higher plane how Heavenly Father and the Savior can love us even when we are causing big problems and are at our worst.

I've learned that teens/people have reasons and real needs behind problematic behavior and that, in general, they aren't trying to be difficult or unmanageable. They want to be loved and accepted. They have limited coping skills and lack experience and/or the wisdom to do better. Some haven't learned to put enough trust in their parents or in Heavenly Father.

And I've had to learn to put more trust in my Heavenly Father and His plan. It's a good plan.

So, this is mid-life.