Good Grief: Month 7

I've written notes here and there for this post, and now that I'm putting them together, I realize my emotions have been all over the map. So, instead of trying to tie them into something more coherent, I'll just let you ride the roller coaster with me....

Note #1: The best way to explain how I feel lately is that I'm horrified that she's gone, but I've grown accustomed to feeling horrified.

Note #2: Rob told me he had driven by some kid-sized furniture, and he said, "I realized today that I'll always have a four-year-old." Ouch.

Note #3: I worry that this kind of grief is a life sentence. I've read that the majority of people who have lost a child never move past the "chronic grief" phase to the "relief and reestablishment" phase.

"The intensity of feelings gradually subside but remnants of the grief tend to remain in subdued form for a very long time, perhaps for the majority of the parent's life. Such remnants often come to lie just below the conscious surface. They consist of feelings of a mild sense of anxiety and a general dissatisfaction with life." [Beyond Endurance: When a Child Dies, Ronald J. Knapp, PhD]

At this point and for my sanity, I have to refuse to accept that. I need to feel there is hope for a happy future life. I will love her every day, and I will miss her every day, even if that means for 50 more years—this I agree with. I am forever changed—yes. But, I know where Elle is—safe and sound, and I know I'll see her again. I insist on adjusting, because I believe everything will be okay, even though it's not okay right now.

Note #4: I can tell I've made some progress. I don't always feel dread when I think of her now. My moans have a more normal, higher pitch to them (that's a good thing, right?).

Note #5: I've never cried like I have these past several months. Before Elle died, there were moments in my life that I had sobbed, but they were rare. The crying I do now is something I've never felt before. There's no bottom to it; I just have to stop, because it's time to pick up the kids, or make dinner, or go to the game.

Note #6: Three things I tell myself in my worst moments:

1. This separation is temporary. It will all be over one day.

2. This is the best plan for my life, and more importantly, it is what's best for Elle.

3. I am very blessed. Things could be so much worse.

A note on that 3rd point—one day, out of necessity, I turned the situation inside-out in my head and considered what it would be like to lose everyone in my family except Elle. And I realized...

I have so much to live for.

BYU-H vs. Dixie State, 2012

BYU-H Men's and Women's soccer teams flew to the mainland for two weeks to play a series of games. MK's second game was against Dixie State in St. George, so we headed south.

She wasn't allowed a lot of family time, but we squeezed in some cleat shopping and Cookie Face at the condo with Sam.

Mia doesn't even have a cookie, haha

Warm-ups before the game.

Mia brought Lindsey along for the trip, since game day was also Mia's 16th Birthday!!!

BYU-H won 2-0. MK said, "Wow, I didn't know cleats could be so comfortable! I think they are making me play better!" No more duct tape.

Post-game socializing

I wonder if Rob could possibly be discussing soccer tactics with MK....

MK with Kaitlyn and Kaisa

MK's high school friends— Mason, Kaitlyn, and Sam came down from Alpine to watch her, and the other two girls were MK's Celtic teammates, Kaisa and Meg, who now play for Dixie. Check out the post-game ice packs on Meg :/

Mason's petting MK's ear.

Wow, we miss her. She needed a couple of things, like Dramamine for the long bus rides, swimsuits, and sandals (one pair were stolen on the beach and the other pair's heel straps were completely broken off—those were the ones she had been wearing every day for two months). It did my heart good to be able to mother her a little.

And it did Mia's heart good to hug on her sister for a good, long while...

On the way home, Getty navigated us to some hot pots just off the freeway by Fillmore. We rummaged through our luggage for swimsuits and changed out in the open air. Not even a cow in sight. I don't think I've ever been naked outside before...

The first hot pot was about 100 degrees

The second hot pot was bigger and about 90 degrees.

Thanks, Getty!

This one's for you, Elle!

Getty's football coach, Coach White, wanted to surprise our family by dedicating a football game to Elle. He issued each of his players a pair of pink/black custom "Elle" socks and outfitted Getty with his own custom "Elle" football hand towel, pink and black bicep band, and pink receiver gloves.

Then he sent his team onto the field with this advice, "When you dedicate a game to someone, you don't lose" :)

The players ran through the parent tunnel and tapped Elle's photo, once at the start of the game and again at halftime.

Getty played his heart out for Elle, scoring two touchdowns, two interceptions, a pick-six (that was called back by a back block penalty), and causing the opposing team to fumble—twice. Geez, Getty, why don't you step it up? ;)

After a victorious game, everyone got pink sugar cookies and signed Elle's poster for Getty's room

Rob and I stood with our arms wrapped around each other in awe. We could barely keep it together as we had watched those hard-hitting 7th grade boys gently tap her photo, wear her socks, and sign her poster as a gesture of kindness to Getty and our family and in honor of our Elle. As we left the field, Coach Wild's son gave us a card and a gift from his mom.

We don't take lightly this kind of support at such a painful, tender time in our family's history. All I have to say is, they'd better watch the sky, because we're praying hard for Heavenly Father to shower down blessings on them.

Mia Turns 16

Performing at the Homecoming Game. The BYU cheerleaders borrowed their skirts for the annual BYU Black Out game.

Here you get a glimpse of the "Tude" Mia gives us ;)

Classic Mia mad face. Lips shut tight, chin jutted slightly forward, loaded stare. She's saying, "MOM! Stop taking pictures!" with her eyes.

But then she got over it.

Lone Peak Sophomore Cheer Squad, 2011-12

Soph, JV, and Varsity

Coaches: Cassie's the strict one, Kelly's the mom, and Lori's the funny one

16 Things I Love About Mia:
1. She's spicy
2. She lets me hang out with her
3. She's crazy about music and likes everything but country
4. Last night we laughed harder than I have in like 10 years. This is why:

(There are just so many reasons why this is funny.) Thanks for the card, Britt!

This is Mia's impression of the one daughter's pose:

Anyway, back to Mia's list:
5. She's organized and driven
6. She lets me borrow her clothes
7. She bakes cookies on request
8. She's a control freak (and I'm a slightly reformed control freak), so we relate well to each other
9. Periodically she cleans her room like crazy
10. She has about 150 friends (100 of which are boys—uh oh)
11. She can turn an argument into a laugh fest in a matter of seconds
12. She's really fun with little kids
13. She is honest and open with her feelings when we have discussions and then she listens to me and seems to accept what I have to say
14. She's highly protective of Getty, not wanting him to be exposed to anything immoral
15. She thinks old people are "so cuuuute!!"
16. She loves her dad and says he's the least judgmental person she knows

Love you, Bomber!!