HOPE

Sometimes I read other "Angel Mom" blogs. I could relate so well to what this mom had to say:

The good times aren't so much "good" as they are triumphant. Because enjoying yourself, feeling at peace, having fun...those aren't your run-of-the mill emotions you experience easily after your daughter's death. They are hard earned rewards for having HOPE. —Molly Jackson (daughter Lucy died at age 2)

Hope is what I've got. Hope in the Resurrection. Hope in the healing and enabling power of the Atonement. And hope is how I will enjoy my life just the way it is.

The Games Boys Play

Cam still rolls up in a blanket on the kitchen floor for long periods of time, so when I saw this super-soft queen-size blanket at Costco, I bought it. Problem? Now Cy and Getty want the blanket to themselves. They started with a few skirmishes, and now it's all out Blanket Wars.

Rules: You have to touch the person with the blanket in his possession to be awarded the blanket, BUT you can't touch the blanket or it's a 10-second violation, at which point the blanket keeper escapes...

Besides being rolled up in a blanket on the floor, Cam's other favorite place to be is on the heater vent in the pantry.

What is it about the kitchen floor?! I don't get it... 

Speaking of Rob, Mia texted him after she 
had about 15 friends over Friday night:

Getty masterminded this contraption.

Lucky the Leprechaun has been up to his old tricks. Looks like he found a place to stay in our basement while he visits.

Lucky sent Cam on an extended five-day treasure hunt to places like the "old film fort" in the forest behind our house 

down the playhouse slide

into the tunnel under the bridge

to the new park and places inbetween. Getty shadowed Cam and helped him figure out the clues ;) In the end, Cam dug up a treasure box full of gold coins that tasted a whole lot like chocolate.

Here Cam is all ready for school.

Cy and the guys being girlie and the girls being manly

The boys were pretty sure dunk ball would impress the ladies. Two of the five girls bailed after the first few minutes ;)

Daniel's English teacher assigned the class "Magical March: Adventures in Childhood." First assignment: make a fort (and don't kiss your girlfriend in it).

Humpty Dumpty with cardboard

Cracking themselves up making funny videos. Like my church heels?

Getty figures out what the heck to do with a slack line.

So there's a snapshot of the last two weeks. These boys are Bizzy. And Krazy.

So what does that make me?

(I have issues ;)

A Telling Dream

In my dream, I saw Elle lying on the floor of her bedroom wearing one of her favorite outfits—the cream-colored crushed velvet gymnastic suit that used to be M&M's.

[She's wearing it under her Cinderella dress]

[This is one of my favorite pics of Elle—what a sweetheart posing for the camera.]

As I looked at Elle lying on the floor, I knew she had been dead for the past two years. I had been keeping her body in our home, so I could hold her and be with her.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that the grave I had been visiting regularly had been empty all along. I began to panic thinking that she belonged in her grave and that we would have to go through another burial service. But as I looked longingly at her, I decided to keep her with me instead. I leaned over to gather her into my arms but realized that she must be decomposing. As I checked her body, a menacing snake slithered out from underneath her. I yelled for Rob and ran to get some Kleenex to squash it. Rob was nowhere to be found. I woke up.


And that about sums up my stage of grief after two years. I know she is dead, but I can't bury her.


Btw, a flimsy Kleenex? to kill a snake?

I don't have many tools to cope with Elle's death, but Kleenex is definitely one of them ;)

Our Year for Elle

Grandma and Cousin Sarah

About a year ago, I got this email from Cousin Sarah:

"... I know that pretty soon you will be facing a year since Elle’s accident and although that is a date that I am certain will be painful for your family, I feel prompted to ask you if in memory of Elle and in commemoration of her life and her divine nature as a daughter of Heavenly Father, if we could ... complete the Personal Progress Program in memory of who she is by virtue of her eternal spirit.

"I thought we could start it off on the date of the accident and if we can stick to task we should be able to complete it by the following February.... I was thinking we could call it ‘Our Year For Elle’.... 

"I know that we are not a family that really talks about emotion but Elle really has brought us closer, in both her life and her death and has given us all the strength to continue, and I thought that this would be a great way to celebrate her gifts to us.

"I love you Lorenne, and think of you always,

Sarah xxx"

Thanks to Sarah, here are a few things we girls did to earn our Personal Progress medallions:

Faith: Read New Testament (Mia)

Divine Nature: Practiced being a peacemaker for 2 weeks and journaled results (Mia)

[pics from Pinterest and Sugardoodle]

Individual Worth: Compiled Elle's personal history (me)

Knowledge: Read "To Draw Closer to God," by Henry B. Eyring (me)


Choice and Accountability: Studied the principles of repentance and applied them in our lives (all of us) 

Good Works: Found family names and did baptisms in the temple (MK)

Integrity: Studied people in the scriptures who had integrity, journaled, and shared in a church lesson (MK)

Virtue: Read the Book of Mormon (all of us)

I texted Sarah and MK asking them to send me selfies wearing their medallions. This was MK's response:

(BTW, "Kunkihauna" is the alias she gave herself when she was four.)

And then she just played me.

Not funny.

Yes, I did send her a pic of her patriarchal blessing, and No, she did not send me a Personal Progress selfie. Whatever.

The important thing is that Elle is so awesome that she doesn't need her Personal Progress medallion.

But we do.

And we did.

How I Ruined Getty's Childhood

Getty: Can I get up early and longboard [in the rain] and set up a slack line at the park before school and practice parkour on it?

Me: No... it's dangerous to longboard on wet roads, you need your sleep, you can do it after school....

Getty: Why don't you stop ruining my childhood?!

Ha.

I had a nightmare a few nights ago where I was trying desperately to fix different problems Rob and the kids were having. I awoke exhausted, discouraged, and overwhelmed. This was a revelation to me, although I didn’t recognize it until days later, that the role I was taking in that dream and in my life needed tweaking. I've been taking too much responsibility for my family and their choices.

For example, now that Getty and Mia are older, I need to take myself out of the equation more often, so they can own their choices. I need to let them learn how life works, not just how our home works. And they need to learn the process of making good decisions. I need to let Mia decide things like whether or not to fast once a month on Fast Sunday, whether or not to meet friends at IHOP at midnight on Sunday when she has to get up for cheer Monday morning at 6:00 a.m. Whether or not to sluff a class and have to make it up at attendance school when she already has a packed schedule. I need to talk her through it by asking her thoughtful questions and listening to her answers instead of lecturing her and making decisions for her.

(This is Mia's face whenever I tell her what to do ;)

Basically, I need to allow her to make mistakes on my watch. 

Let the teenagers live with the sleep deprivation and skinned knees from no knee pads. It's an education. That way my role is supportive, as in "Sorry you're so tired today," rather than controlling.

I don't know if I can do this. Somebody stop me. 

It's hard to let go.